Marriage After a Baby: Why You Fight More, What Helps

Nobody at the baby shower mentions that you might spend the first year snapping at each other at 3 am. Then the baby arrives, and you're arguing about who heard the crying first, why the bottles weren't washed, and whether your mother should be giving advice.

If that's where you are, you're far from the only ones.

What the Research Shows

One of the best-known studies on this followed 218 couples through the first eight years of marriage. Compared with how they were doing before the birth, couples who had a first child showed a sudden drop in relationship quality afterwards, on their own reports and on what researchers observed. The drop was small to medium in size and tended to last. Mothers and fathers changed by similar amounts. Couples without children declined more gradually, without the sudden dip (Doss et al., 2009).

Two things are worth taking from this. The strain is common enough to be expected. And because it tended to last, it's worth dealing with early instead of waiting it out.

Why You Fight More After a Baby

• Sleep. Weeks of broken sleep make anyone shorter-tempered and less patient.
• New roles. Two partners become a parenting team overnight, often without ever discussing who does what.
• Keeping score. "I did three night feeds" versus "I went to work on two hours' sleep." Both are tired, and both feel unseen.
• Less time alone together. Conversations shrink to the baby's feeds, nappies and vaccinations.
• Changes in sex and touch. Recovery from birth, exhaustion and a body that feels different all play a part. One partner may feel rejected while the other feels pressured.
• Money worries, especially if one income has paused.

The Indian Context

A few pressures are especially common in Indian families:

• Grandparents moving in. Help with the baby can be a lifeline. It can also mean less privacy, competing advice, and a partner who sides with their own parent. In-law problems in marriage covers that dynamic.
• The new mother staying at her parents' home. In many families the mother and baby stay with her parents for weeks or months after the birth. It gives her support, and it can leave the father feeling shut out and the couple feeling like strangers when they reunite.
• Who does the night feeds. In many homes the mother and the grandmothers do most of the baby care by default, and the father's role is unclear even to him.
• Pressure about the baby's sex. Comments about a daughter, or about having "the next one", can hurt deeply and add strain between partners and families.

Postpartum Depression: Signs and When to See a Doctor

Feeling weepy, anxious or irritable for a few days after the birth is very common. The NHS calls this the baby blues and says it usually passes within two weeks (NHS: postnatal depression).

Postnatal (postpartum) depression is different. It's more than tiredness, and it's common in India: a review of 38 Indian studies covering more than 20,000 women estimated that about 22% of mothers had postpartum depression (Upadhyay et al., 2017). The same review listed marital conflict and lack of support from the husband among the reported risk factors.

Signs listed by the NHS include:

• low mood, or finding it hard to enjoy anything
• feeling hopeless, or that you can't cope
• feeling guilty or worthless, or like a bad parent
• constant worry or fear
• trouble sleeping even when you get the chance to rest
• difficulty bonding with the baby
• thoughts of harming yourself or the baby

Symptoms can start during pregnancy or any time up to a year after the birth. If they last longer than two weeks, or get worse, see a doctor: your gynaecologist, GP or a psychiatrist. Postnatal depression usually gets better with treatment, and many antidepressants can be used while breastfeeding, so tell the doctor if you're breastfeeding.

Fathers Struggle Too

The NHS notes that fathers and partners can also get depression after a baby arrives. Men may be slower to say so, and in many families nobody asks. If a new father is withdrawn, irritable, drinking more or working all hours to avoid home, it may be more than stress. He deserves a doctor's appointment too.

Small Changes That Help

• Divide the work out loud. Sit down once and list the jobs: night feeds, bottles, laundry, doctor visits, managing visitors. Decide who does what, and review it every few weeks.
• Protect sleep in shifts. If one of you takes the first half of the night and the other the second, each gets one longer stretch.
• Agree on how to handle advice. Decide together how you'll respond when a parent's advice conflicts with what you've chosen, so neither of you is caught in the middle.
• Ten minutes a day as a couple, with no talk about the baby if you can manage it.
• Notice what your partner does. A specific thank-you ("You got up three times last night, thank you") goes further than you'd think.
• Write down what's building up. A few lines in a journal before you raise something can help you say it calmly. Dandelion Reflect is a free-to-start private journal, and its guided breathing can help on a hard night too.

If you've drifted apart rather than fighting, feeling lonely in your marriage has ideas for rebuilding closeness.

When to Consider Couples Therapy

Consider couples therapy if:

• the same fight keeps coming back, weeks or months after the birth
• you've stopped talking about anything except the baby
• resentment about who does what is building on either side
• family involvement has become a constant source of conflict

Couples therapy helps you see the cycle you're stuck in and agree on changes that fit your family. It works online, which helps when leaving the house with a baby is a project. How couples therapy changes the way you communicate gives a sense of the work.

If one of you has postpartum depression, see a doctor first. Couples work can run alongside treatment once that's in place.

Dandelion Psychotherapy offers couples therapy online. The first step is a free 15-minute intro call, which you can join together.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to fight more after having a baby?

Yes, it's common. A study of 218 couples found relationship quality dropped suddenly after a first child, for mothers and fathers alike, and the dip tended to last through the years of the study. Sleep loss and new roles explain a lot of it. Common doesn't mean you have to live with it.

When does marriage get better after a baby?

There's no fixed point. For many couples, things ease as sleep improves and routines settle, but in the 8-year study the dip tended to last. Talking openly about roles and getting help early tend to help more than waiting.

What are the signs of postpartum depression?

Low mood, losing interest in things, feeling hopeless or worthless, constant worry, trouble sleeping even when you can, difficulty bonding with the baby, and thoughts of self-harm or harming the baby. If these last longer than two weeks, see a doctor.

Can fathers get postpartum depression?

Yes. The NHS notes that fathers and partners can also have depression after a baby. Signs can look like irritability, withdrawal, overworking or drinking more. A doctor can help.

Should we try couples therapy with a newborn?

If the conflict is wearing you both down, yes. Online sessions mean you don't have to leave home. If either of you has postpartum depression, treatment from a doctor comes first, and couples work can run alongside it.

Sources

• Doss BD, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Markman HJ. The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: an 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2009;96(3):601-619.
• Upadhyay RP, Chowdhury R, Salehi A, et al. Postpartum depression in India: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Bulletin of the World Health Organization. 2017;95(10):706-717C.
• NHS. Postnatal depression.